oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
