oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
