How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
