if only i could text you this smell
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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