so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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