Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
