so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
