I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
