hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
