Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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