im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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