I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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