You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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