I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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