Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
