There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
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