some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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