dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
