My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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