I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
