My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
