he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
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