oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
