Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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