After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I love having hate sex.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
