apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
