...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
should my penis look like a turkey
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
