found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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