If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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