I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
