She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Princesses don't give blow jobs
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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