And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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