I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
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