Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
