i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
