Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
