Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
