Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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