Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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