Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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