Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
