You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
40s are totally the cure
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
