She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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