Can i not drive my cunt home
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
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