a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
