My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
