Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
