Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
