Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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