Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
