listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
